Sometimes it helps to impose restrictions, I found out during a photo shoot. A good lesson that also applies to running in times of corona.

When I go on vacation, I often like to choose an island or area with some type of natural boundary. If I don't, I run the risk of spending the whole day looking for closeby excursions. And of course there is always something more interesting if you go 5 km further than planned, then 5 km further is even better, and you can't see the forest for the trees anymore. Ergo: the stress of choice has a paralysing effect and we end up staying in the apartment feeling numb and dissatisfied. By limiting the environment, I experience much more pleasure. It is surprising what you discover in the microcosms of Schiermonnikoog, Guernsey, Skye or any Canary Island.

Perhaps it's also something that is really part of me. As a child, I was never given strong boundaries. No doubt with the best intentions, my parents assumed that we knew what we could do and had to discover for ourselves what was good for us. But that led to a continuous fear of disappointment, which probably made me, my brother and sisters always act quite well behaved. It also led to a feeling of never being able to fulfill all expectations, always fall short, as we didn't know what was really expected. Perfection? We can always do better. And there is no room for feelings, because feelings are a sign of weakness. But this is my interpretation, as now, many years later, I know very well that this was never the intention of the educational method.

Service auction

Precisely because of the denial of feelings, I had to invest a lot in discovering my emotions and boundaries when I was older. Something that I see as pure necessity: it is impossible to move contentedly in the here and now if you cannot deal with your emotions. That is why I think it is important that centres such as Kasteel De Schans, where you can learn this through bodywork, family constellations and tantra, will continue to exist. But due to corona and a necessary renovation of the centre, this is not a certainty; add to this that other centres like Djoj and Venwoude have practically disappeared already.

To pay for the renovation, a special services auction was held. I myself was very intrigued by two items (and in a roof tile that is now at home): a photo shoot by Daisy Frost (Defrosted) and a plaster cast by Bart Stok, about which I will tell more later. In the end I managed to get both items and support the renovation. And then of course the really exciting stuff starts, making plans and appointments. Because of the cold and the impatience of both parties, I arranged to meet Daisy in an Eindhoven hotel with a boudoir atmosphere, nature wasn't that attractive with temperatures around zero. Exciting… but it shouldn't be too easy either.

Giving too much

Despite the fact that I run quite a lot, I also suffer from added weight due to corona. All in all, I am moving less at the moment, especially after a short break after the Winter Trekking. And that makes me quite body conscious. Just something that actually goes against accepting what life has to offer. But those feelings are part of me too.

In reality, not acknowledging and releasing those feelings meant that I was posing too much. The images just didn't come to life. Daisy thought so too. So we decided to take a slightly different approach. Beforehand Daisy jokingly threatened to tie me up if I didn't behave, as she often works with ropes as a therapeutic instrument. She also made a photo series of this shibari art.

Untying

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For many people, the ropes – they are a lot looser at a photo session than they arein real life – partly create fear. Suddenly you can't move anymore and you want to free yourself. After the release, the relief, the emotion is set free. In my case it was actually the other way around. Through the ropes I felt clearer boundaries and that brought peace and stillness. It helped me to stay in the here and now, to let things be as they are. And so the playfulness and liveliness fortunately came back. I am grateful that I was allowed to experience this.

And when I look beyond the photos, I also see other areas where clear boundaries lead me to new paths. Although the corona rules sometimes feel very oppressive, they have actually made running much more fun for me. I used to try to run one race a month. Now I'm much more playful, which is coming from within myself: within the limits I make my own routes. I experience more, I see known and unknown areas in the Netherlands with completely different eyes. And I have even more fun discovering things by running.

Rope is cutting into my arms,
wraps around my face.
Resistance is required and lost,
moving and breathing contained.
Fiber unites with skin,
identifies with spirit.
What is dead comes to life,
grows in its secure bond.
Knots unfold the embrace,
release the soul into the world.